No words

I just received an email from a dear friend of mine. She and her husband have been separated for the last month or so. Tonight, this is what she wrote me: "A lot has happened since we went to dinner but it culminated today with Joe (name has been changed) telling me he slept with this girl on Monday."

The news swept up off the page and knocked me with a clear pang of sorrow for her. And, I knew that if I felt such pangs, I couldn't even imagine what she must be feeling. How do you reconcile your soul to such news? What happens to your concept of life in such moments? I'm not sure.

I have no answers and no words. I feel for her pain, even though I can't even begin to understand how acute it must be. I do know that she is strong. I know that she will get through this because she believes that life can produce goodness and beauty. I know that she must be broken right now.

Dan has a song lyric that says, "See if heartbreak makes you whole." When he first talked to me about that line, I scoffed a bit. I didn't understand how pain and heartache could ever be part of wholeness. At that time in my life, I didn't really believe that wholeness was something that I would ever achieve again. I was wrong. I'm not sure exactly how it works, but I believe that the wholeness means so much more because of the sharpness of the heartbreak. And so, maybe to truly feel whole we must, at times, feel broken. In the contrast we find meaning in wholeness.

We can never really know what life will throw at us. But to believe that no matter how broken we become, we can fight for wholeness is perhaps the balm that soothes the pain. So, to my dear friend I wish you the balm of hope--hope that the pain, with time, will subside; that you will reconcile your soul; and that you will surround yourself with people who truly love you.

Music that takes you back

My freshman roommates and I created a playlist that really captured our time together. One of the bands that was on that playlist was Blessid Union of Souls. Did you ever listen to them? I loved them. Well, I was thinking about them the other day, and I purchased the album I fell in love with. I haven't listened to the album in years. It is amazing how music takes you back to places, people, and perspectives that you thought were long gone.

As I listened to the album, I was taken back to:

• Cinderblock walls in college dorms.
• Late nights working at the Scroll.
• Cargo pants and plaid shirts (I know ... that is a horrible memory for me as well).
• Movie nights
• Crushing on really old returned missionaries (23 felt really old back then!)

And a slew of other memories.

It is good to go back, mostly because of where I've come since then. But try it--bust out some old favorites and just let the memories start pouring in.

A Sense of Wonder

Camp Loll landing

I'm holding out

For all you Verizon Apple lovers, I have some great news via the gossip world of technology.

Read this article, which provides some hope that I will be getting an iPhone this year while still maintaining my Verizon service.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/36089312/ns/technology_and_science-wireless/

That Old, Mean Adult

So, I did it.

I became a mean, ornery adult.

On Sunday, I drove to my parents' home for Sunday dinner and game-playing. When I pulled into their circle there were a bunch of kids playing baseball. At first it seemed that they weren't hitting the ball hard, bunting it really. So, I walked inside without much thought. Then, I checked on them, and they had started to hit the ball with some actual force. I decided to move my car, just to be safe.

Just as I walked outside with my keys a pop fly came down on the side of my car. The kids froze. They waited for my response. I said flatly, "That's why I came out to move my car." Fair enough, right? Then, without even realizing it, I proceeded to say, "You kids shouldn't be playing baseball around cars." I think I even repeated myself--for effect. I got in my car and moved it--running over the third base frisbee (on accident--I promise) in the process. By the time I moved my car the 20 feet to the main street and walked back the kids had dispersed. I had heard them mumbling and placing blame, but they didn't stick around for me to walk back.

Two thoughts came to me as I saw them walk off:

1. I've turned into that mean adult who just doesn't get the point of having a little fun--when did that happen?

2. I was intimidating--I can't believe they actually took me seriously! That is pretty cool.

Of course when I was their age, I'm pretty sure we played baseball in the same place with plenty of cars to hit ... but it didn't seem to quite sink in then. On Sunday, it seemed so logical to me that you don't play baseball with cars so close--I guess that is the point of growing up though ... you get a little better at recognizing the obvious. And, I always find it comforting to have experiences when I actually feel like an adult.

Old Friends and New Conversations

I had dinner tonight with a good friend--Katie. We met almost 6 years ago when I moved to Provo and into Alta Apartments. She is one of those friends who you don't exactly remember how or when you connected, you just know that you did. And, you stayed connected through moves and various life changes. You get together every so often to catch up, and you slip back into conversation as if no time had passed.

I treasure those friends. They seem to understand how busy life is, and yet they simply appreciate the time you have together.

Katie has recently felt an onslaught of health problems. After many doctor visits and countless opinions, she is thinking she is in the early stages of Rheumatoid Arthritis. She is a fighter though--tough and resilient. Different parts of her body freeze on her, and her hands won't let her do all the normal functions that she has been so used to for 28 years. Life has suddenly changed--the future canvased in this new discovery. I am in awe of her strength and her determination to continue living in fullness. Although for Katie I'm sure that there is no other option because of the person she is, there are so many other people who make such different choices when faced with life-altering experiences. I can't imagine what similar events would do to me, but I would like to think that I would continue to face life with vigor and determination--like Katie.

I gather in such strength from the many people in my life who live courageously. I have had the opportunity as of late to share my fire experiences with a few groups of people. I always joke about the question, "What would you grab if your house were on fire?" It is a silly question, really, but I always say that you grab people!! I know it sounds so obvious, but when you are faced with losing material possessions or you actually lose material possessions you quickly realize that the things that matter most aren't what you own but who you have in your life. Your relationships with people really define who you are and what you can accomplish.

I'm just so glad that I have a friend like Katie--someone who laughs through the immense pain of severe health problems, who still finds hope in the promise of unbounded potential, and who will take the time to gab about all the little things in life that somehow add up to mean something big.

It is time to write again

Maybe I should blame this new post on the spam comments I've been receiving. They brought me back to this blog, and when I got here, I decided that maybe it is time to write again. It has been a long journey back to this place. I appreciate all the support and love I've felt since the last post here.

It has taken some time for me to want to write again, but now that I do ... I'm happy to be back.